2 lessons I learnt from losing my job

A bit more than 2 years ago, I lost my job. It hurt. It cracked my shiny alpha-male armour. 

On the flipside, it was a huge release. I was agonizing over the day that would happen, as it appeared somehow inevitable. With it, also came the opportunity to finally set on a path that was meaningful to me.

It took me 38 years. It cost me sleepless nights, my first grey hairs and of course my job. Why did it take me so long? I did not know how to find direction. As a result, I lacked the courage to make real changes.

That’s why I wrote this post and founded Dare Be, to help others find direction earlier rather than later. 

Oh and if you’re older than 38 or have more grey hair than me… don’t give up, it’s never too late! 

Here I was, caught between a rock and a hard place. 

The hard place was my job looking increasingly untenable. The rock was the sacrifice my family had made by moving to Germany. 

At work, I had moved up the ladder again, I felt that this was another great step in my career. In the end I failed to create a trusting relationship with my boss. I was not the leader I knew I could be. My team and I struggled to develop the ambitious products on our roadmap. After another reorganisation my position looked redundant. The image of the successful business guy I had been projecting looked badly stained. 

My wife and 3 children had made big time and emotional investments by moving to Germany from the UK. They had arrived only a year earlier, so we were just getting settled. Our life was nice, but they had also sacrificed a lot for my career. My wife had given up her job in the UK and the kids had moved to a new school. My younger son was now replacing English with German! Leaving Germany early seemed like disrespecting the efforts they had made. 

So here I was, feeling like a loser and like I was letting down my family. 

I was losing sleep over it. 

When my boss told me I was losing my job, it did not come as a shock. I had been expecting it for a few months. I had lost my sleep over it. I would often wake up in the middle of the night with my heart pounding, my breathing short and shallow, sweating heavily. I first tried sleep meditations. They helped, but only a bit. I was mentally and physically exhausted. And I was stuck in a vicious cycle: the more tired I was, the more anxious I was about not sleeping, and the harder it was to sleep! 

So one day, I went to my doctor, explained to him the situation and asked him to prescribe me sleeping pills. He gave me a stark warning and said something like: “sleeping pills are highly addictive, so take them as little as you can, only sporadically. If you start taking them a few nights in a row, stop for a few nights afterwards.”

I bought the pills, but never resorted to them. It would have felt like I was not at the captain’s wheel anymore. Not that I felt much in control of my ship. Yet I did not want to blind myself to the harsh reality. Not that I am judging people who take sleeping pills, we all have different circumstances. 

At work, I was not my usual self. My mind was on overdrive, continuously on the run, thinking about what went wrong and what could go wrong. I could hardly focus on simple tasks. I was easily triggered. At home I struggled to be present and be the spouse and father I wanted to be. I was probably approaching burn-out. 

How did it all come to this?

Deep inside me, I knew early that I was not doing what I was meant to do. Yet I persisted. Why? 

Looking back, I can think of 2 key mistakes that I hope others can avoid.

1. I was not enough looking for direction

Growing up, I was good at school but no activity or topic invoked real passion within me. So I was heedless about what I really enjoyed. Life had been relatively comfortable, so I rarely asked myself what I valued the most. And when I did, I struggled to come up with clear, honest answers. I could pick up skills easily, so I did not try to identify my natural talents. 

I had looked for direction by reading books, listening to podcasts, watching youtube videos and meditating. Yet I was unable to put the pieces of the puzzle together. Later in my career I was so busy and under so much pressure that I had no more mental space to dedicate to this quest. 

Your path does not have to be perfectly clear. it does not have to bring immediate fulfillment. What matters is that you have an idea of what you really want (with your life and career), and then start making your decisions and changes accordingly. 

Embark on your path to meaningful success

2. My success depended on external measures

My career had started really well. I was frequently promoted, rising from intern to Managing Director, growing the business, leading teams successfully and travelling the world! This was fun and gave me some sense of purpose. I was raising young children, this kept me busy and gave me a strong sense of purpose. So I delayed my quest for meaning at work. 

As I took more senior roles, work was not fun anymore, so I found purpose elsewhere: in my titles and my status. I was starting to compare myself to others. Those who succeeded better than me made me feel bad, those who succeeded less than me made me feel good. 

My self-worth relied more and more on how good my career looked. I knew this was ridiculous, but I could not help: I did not have another success measurement stick! 

Once you know what you really want for yourself, set your own definition of success, founded on what truly matters to you. 

Conclusion

When you don’t know what you really want, change is scarier than the discomfort of your current situation. Until your current situation becomes too uncomfortable of course. Which happened to me. Better initiate the change yourself before that happens. 

If you are struggling to find direction, start with your FREE guided coaching exercise.  

If you are already on your path, I am happy for you. I wish you persistence, courage, resilience and compassion! I am hosting a podcast called Dare Be to inspire others to find their own path and gain the courage to pursue it. If you would like to be my guest and share your story, please reach out.

Greg, founder of Dare Be