How to lead with your emotions

This article is part of Dare Be's Leadership Handbook, a guide to help people lead with impact and heart

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Whether you mean to or not, you are constantly communicating your emotions to your coworkers and team.

So instead of letting them burst through at inopportune moments, or transferring negative feelings you meant to keep to yourself, learn how they affect you and your surroundings.

And once you understand that, you start the journey to healthier emotional leadership.

It’s not what you say - it’s how you say it

I read once about a professor at Cornell University who was upset about the bad feedback he was getting from students. They found his classes boring.

To address that, he didn’t spice up his curriculum, bring in surprise guests, or start teaching outside in the sun.

Instead, he got voice and body coaching.

The next year, he taught the exact same material in the exact same classes, but with changes in his body language and non-verbal communication.

The students’ feedback dramatically improved, and the rating on his textbook even increased by 20 points. 

With simple changes to his behaviour, and no changes to the material itself, the class that had been dull only 1 year before was suddenly a student favourite.

Mehrabian, Professor Emeritus of Psychology at UCLA, formulated the famous 7% - 38% - 55% communication rule. It describes the relative importance of words spoken, tone of voice, and facial expression when communicating a message. 

In the study, words only represented about 7% of what the participants understood of what people were saying to them! The much more important aspects were tone of voice (38%) and facial expression (55%). 

In brief, emotions matter a lot in how we communicate! 

We drag our emotional baggage 

Communication is more than just passing along information. You also convey what you feel.

It’s your non-verbal communication that reveals your emotions. While your words communicate the message, your facial expressions, gestures, tone of voice, and body language show what you’re feeling.

So when you’re in an emotional state, it comes out in your communication with others - whether you want it to or not.

What emotion is he about to bring back to his team?

For example, if you’ve had a tough discussion with your CEO, you may feel anxious about losing your job, or angry at your boss, or simply demotivated to work at your company. 

If you have to run a team forum right after, your emotional baggage from the previous meeting will show through in how you communicate with the team.

And you run the risk of setting off a chain emotional reaction in your team.

Emotions are contagious

We can “catch” the emotions of others and “infect” them with our own. 

What emotion did she receive from others?

It’s called emotional contagion, and it occurs when we mimic, usually unconsciously, the emotions and expressions of people around us. 

Emotional contagion can be negative or positive. People can be stirred to anger and violent acts by a demagogue. Or they can feel warm and cheerful thanks to a corporate leader who smiles and manages with grace.

This effect is even stronger around people in leadership positions.

Leaders are even more contagious! 

Authority figures are often seen as role models, sources of information, and expectation-setters. 

Leaders have even more “emotional responsibility”

Therefore, leaders need to be aware of their own emotions and how they influence others even more. They also need to be able to manage their emotions effectively and use them strategically to achieve positive outcomes. 

Remember, as Maya Angelou said,  “people will forget what you said, they will forget what you did, but they will never forget how you made them feel.” 

So how can you foster healthy emotions in a high-performing team?

Stop the emotional contagion 

When you feel triggered by certain events, pause and follow the 4 steps below.  

1. Pause - close your eyes if you can

2. Ask yourself: 

1. What thoughts are passing through my mind at present? 

2. What body sensations am I experiencing right now? And then scan your body. 

3. Allow yourself to feel the physical sensations that result from the unpleasant emotion.

3. Name your emotion(s) using the wheel of emotions. 

4. Ask yourself: What unmet need is this emotion pointing to?

You’ll find the full explanation of this technique in the article how to manage difficult emotions (4 min). 

Share your feelings

After you’ve learned to manage your own emotions, it’s time to communicate your feelings to others. People usually do not share their feelings at work. They either don’t feel comfortable exposing them or they are concerned their feelings may spill over and do damage. 

I don’t mean to scream at your teammates out of anger - this will likely damage your relationship with them. Telling them calmly that something has upset you is far more useful. 

When someone is not doing what you expect them to do, tell them how this makes you feel. See How to handle difficult conversations: try COIN (4 min) for more details. 

Also, when you sense that an emotion is affecting the way you are behaving with certain people, it may be helpful to tell them so. We all have a powerful emotional radar, so people will sense - consciously or unconsciously - that something is going on with you. It is usually better to be vulnerable and let them know.  

By sharing how you feel, you create intimacy, an important building block of trust.

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