Lead with love instead of pain
Have you ever locked horns with someone, neither person able to see the other’s side, and found yourself stuck in a seemingly irreconcilable conflict?
This can be incredibly frustrating, leading you to resent the other person and even doubt yourself.
Luckily, there is an antidote to such situations. It’s love.
Arming yourself with love, as opposed to fear, pain, or anger, is the answer to better collaboration, conflict resolution, and relationships as a whole. At home… and at work!
As we head into the holiday season, let’s explore all the ways in which love helps us “lead with impact and heart.”
Love is all you need
I got inspired on this topic by a participant in a workshop I was facilitating a few weeks ago.
We were talking about co-creating win-win solutions in situations where people seem stuck in their ways. As we described the method of making people feel heard, she suggested that love is the answer.
It seemed like a beautiful way to address tough situations, and she was kind enough to share more in a follow-up email. I’ll share a few excerpts of her answer, with her permission:
“I've come to understand Love and Pain as a fundamental aspect of being human. The innate desire for love, coupled with a lack thereof, often leads to feelings of exclusion and subsequent pain. Recognizing that negative reactions often stem from a place of pain is crucial.
Understanding and addressing this pain by providing love is a key factor for success. Love creates a sense of protection, calmness, trust, and safety, enabling individuals to feel free to explore, take risks, and transcend their limitations. The infusion of love and admiration empowers people to achieve outcomes beyond expectations.
Hence, when observing certain behaviours, it's essential to ask ourselves, ‘is this rooted in love or pain?’ If it's from pain, offering love becomes the transformative solution.”
In other words, we all need love, in the sense of being seen and accepted by others for who we are.
People behave in a way we dislike because they are in pain. They may say things that hurt, they may raise their voices, or instead they may retreat and give the silent treatment.
This happens because some of their fundamental needs are not being met, triggering a fight or flight response - which can be destructive in normal day-to-day life.
Then, when we feel pain as a result of those behaviours, we also react in a negative way, creating a downward spiral in the relationship. Instead of recognizing their pain and soothing it, we just create more, in them and in ourselves.
What if, instead of piling on the pain, we chose love as the response?
It sounds simple, but it is actually very difficult to put into practice when someone’s behaviour is annoying or threatening to you.
So, how do you show love in such situations?
Love yourself first
It is almost impossible to give the love someone needs when you can’t give that love to yourself in the first place.
Consider this: Do you struggle to recognize the beauty and the great things you have already accomplished? Are you tough on yourself? Then it’s likely you’ve been carrying around your own personal brand of pain, and doling it out to others in moments of conflict.
Start by learning to love yourself. How?
First, practice self-compassion and gratitude, especially toward yourself. A compassion practice is essentially a form of meditation in which you direct well wishes to other people and to yourself, such as “may you be happy, healthy, safe, and peaceful.” You can find out more about that in the first section of this article.
Gratitude helps you shift your mindset from scarcity to abundance by recognizing things in your life that you are thankful for. You can learn how to put it in place via the second section in this article. You can practise gratitude towards yourself.
Finally, when you are feeling unpleasant emotions and don’t know how to deal with them, learn to respond to your needs by practising in-the-moment acceptance (see the third section in this article).
Identify the needs of others
Now that you’re on the path to loving yourself, let’s get into the habit of extending love to other people. That starts with recognizing and understanding where they’re coming from.
When people behave in a way that we dislike, it’s easy to get triggered and react harshly, out of pain.
Instead, the next time someone does something you dislike, stop and ask yourself: From what pain is the behaviour coming from? What unmet need does this person have?
For example, imagine a team member is reacting defensively to a comment you made about some deliverable they created. They’ve snapped at you in a meeting, possibly feeling hurt, deflated and disappointed of not having met your expectations.
Instead of arguing with them, consider what need of theirs has not been met. In this case, it could be recognition: that they already contribute a lot to the team, that their work matters and is valued.
That’s when you could tell them: “I am sorry if I was a little abrupt in my comment. I appreciate the efforts you’ve made and I appreciate X, Y and Z in your deliverable. This is already great. If you could work on W, that would make it excellent.”
Here, you’ve stopped the pain response in its tracks by recognizing their feelings and responding accordingly.
Give others your full attention
In some cases, you may not be able to address the other person’s pain directly, as we did in the previous example.
Maybe you can’t do anything about what’s making them upset, because there is pressure coming from their manager or because there is something going on in their lives.
They could be arguing against your proposal because they know they’ll catch flack from their manager or teammates if it goes through. Or because they simply had a rough patch and are much more sensitive to criticism.
If the person in front of you has needs that you can’t address, give them what every human being needs: a sense of belonging.
It’s one of our most fundamental needs as human beings: to exist and be accepted for who we are.
How do you make someone feel like they belong?
Simply listen to them and make them feel heard by repeating what you heard - even if you disagree with them! Repeating does not mean that you agree, it means you have understood their thoughts. It means they belong in your world.
For more on how to make people feel heard (and then having them listen to you), see this article.
What if somebody crosses a line?
In some cases, people are behaving in a way that is simply not acceptable. It may go beyond simply causing an argument or minor conflict to being actively insulting, or detrimental to yourself or your team.
In such situations, making them feel heard can be a good first step, to show that you’re making an effort to understand them.
Then, share with them, in a non-violent way (i.e. out of love), your disagreement with their behaviour, and how it’s affecting the people around them.
How can you do this? Use COIN.
Here’s how:
Context - “I’d like to debrief what happened earlier in the meeting.”
Observations - “You said that X person was a slacker.”
Impact on you - “This made me feel worried that this person could hear such statements and become demotivated, and I became frustrated because this would create the opposite reaction to the one we are aiming for.”
Next step - “In future, could you please avoid making such statements about other people and instead give them COIN feedback directly?”
You can learn more about COIN in this article.
You now have several tools to help you face the world and react to its challenges with love, instead of pain. I hope this message carries you into the holiday season, and that you spend the end of 2024 filled with love!