Have this conversation to build more trust (4 min)
This article is part of Dare Be's Leadership Handbook, a guide to help people lead with impact and heart
On average, you’ll spend nearly 2,000 hours a year at work. So it pays to be on good terms with the people sharing that time with you!
When you have a trusting relationship with your colleagues, work gets done faster - and you’ll have a better time doing it. But you’ll have to put some effort into it first.
To invest in your work relationships, set aside time to establish mutual goals and expectations. It puts everybody on the same page and ensures you succeed, together.
Here’s how:
Why set mutual expectations?
When you share your objectives (e.g. to be promoted in the next 12 months) and your needs (e.g. to know ASAP when there are issues), you achieve two important things.
First, you create intimacy between yourself and the other person. They know what is important to you and why.
Second, you make it more likely that they’ll jump on board to help you meet those goals and needs, now that they know what they are.
Of course, this conversation goes both ways. The other person should share as well. There is a mutual give-and-take where both sides are sharing their expectations and agreeing to help the other.
That’s where trust is formed.
Who should you be having this conversation with?
Invest this time in anybody at work who shares your objectives, or with whom you simply want to build more trust.
This likely includes your direct reports, peers, project team members, and your manager. If you manage managers, you could include rising stars and recruits who don’t report to you, but focus more on their expectations than your own. And coach their managers to have the full conversation.
It’s not always going to be easy. It can feel awkward with someone you’ve already known for a long time, or uncomfortable with someone you don’t get along with.
But this is your opportunity to revitalise an old work relationship, or revive a struggling one. It’s going to make life easier for you, and for the person you’re talking to.
Getting ready to set mutual expectations
The conversation itself typically takes 30-60 minutes and will require 15-30 minutes to prepare.
This time is worth it. One hour of nurturing your relationships now will save hundreds of hours of miscommunication, misalignment, and mistrust down the line.
Both you and the other person should prepare. Here are the questions each of you should answer:
What are my personal objectives?
What do I hope to achieve in the next 5-10 years? (e.g. I want to become the CTO.)
In the next 2 years? (e.g. I want to be promoted to SVP.)
What makes these objectives important to me? (e.g. I would like to have a more scalable impact, and I love creating cohesive teams to build exciting products.)
How could the other person support me to achieve my objectives?
What do I want to achieve with the other person? (e.g. We can build a high-performing team where people support one another and have fun together.)
How will I know that this relationship is thriving? (e.g. We will feel comfortable giving each other feedback.)
What do I need for this relationship to thrive? (e.g. I would like to have weekly 1-1s and quarterly mutual expectations catch-ups.)
What could prevent us from working really well together? How can we best avoid this?
Preparing the other person for the conversation
To get the ball rolling, invite your colleague to a meeting (preferably in person) and highlight the benefits: meeting your goals faster, building a stronger relationship, achieving things together, etc.
This might feel uncomfortable - that’s completely natural. Remember that you’re showing leadership and creating a more healthy and productive workplace.
In the rare cases that the other person says no, then clarify why building trust is so important. If it’s a low-trust relationship, you may need to invest more time in addressing their concerns in open conversation.
Once the person agrees to have this conversation with you, send them the questions above to prepare answers for.
If you’re struggling to kick things off, just start with one person. Give it a good try, note what worked and what didn’t, and then scale this approach if you see positive results.
How to have the big conversation
Set the scene by telling them that you value this relationship, and that you wish to help it grow.
Thank them for taking the time to talk, even if they have only agreed to it because you’re the boss!
Share your answers first, then give them the floor. Do not interrupt.
Practise active listening by rephrasing what you hear using their words, and check that you understood them well. See more about active listening here.
By the end of the conversation, you should both feel energised and closer as colleagues.
Congratulations! You have now established common objectives, built trust, and set yourself and your colleague up on a road to achieve your shared goals.
Before going your separate ways, set a date for a follow-up meeting. Make sure to give both of you enough time to reflect on what you learned and act on your decisions before meeting again.
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