Five practises to find peace (4 min)
This article is part of Dare Be's Leadership Handbook, a guide to help people lead with impact and heart.
This article is the continuation of the previous newsletter article “Tame your stressors”, where I showed that stress = stressor x stressability. The article below deals with reducing stressability and shifting your mental state from triggered to peaceful, or from unhelpful to helpful.
Some of the techniques will be more effective than others for you. So experiment and create a personalised cocktail for your optimal resilience!
1. 1-minute breathing exercise
Thankfully, my favourite breathing exercise for relaxation and stress relief is both quick and easy. You can fit it into your daily practice without a problem, or as needed in the middle of stressful meetings and other events that make your heart race.
It consists of 3 or more breathing cycles where you inhale through your nose and exhale as slowly as you can through your mouth. You can start off by inhaling for 4 seconds and exhaling for 6 seconds. The more time that you spend exhaling, relative to the time you inhale, the more relaxation you will feel.
When you inhale, make sure that you inflate the bottom of your lungs using your diaphragm—your shoulders and chest should not rise, and your belly should push forward. Ideally, you would do this while sitting comfortably upright with both feet flat on the floor and your hands resting on your lap or the arms of your chair. Doing this while lying down works as well.
Why does this work?
Inhaling activates your sympathetic nervous system, which, in simple terms, creates tension throughout the body. This system controls “fight-or-flight” responses and prepares the body for strenuous physical activity.
Exhaling activates your parasympathetic nervous system, which relaxes your body by regulating “rest and digest” functions. Engaging your diaphragm also activates this system.
2. Daily gratitude
Practising gratitude shifts your mental state from scarcity to abundance—and when we feel abundance, we relax!
This practice is a bit like building muscle. If you are not used to it, the first few times can feel awkward, uncomfortable, and fruitless. I know it was for me.
When I first practised gratitude after my near-burn-out, I struggled to find anything to be grateful for. I had to start with small things like “I am happy to see my kids more.”
If you struggle, start with just three things per day: one good moment, one act or word from someone else, and one act, word, or thought from yourself. This could be a ray of sunshine in the morning, a smile from a friendly barista, and the fact that you’re dedicating some time for yourself.
Find a daily habit you’re already doing, and combine it with your gratitude practice. For me, I prefer the shower—it’s difficult not to be grateful for life when the warm water touches my skin!
Start your sentence with “I am grateful for…” and take the time to really feel the sensation of peace and gratitude in your body for each thing you are grateful for. The more you are able to connect to these positive emotions, the more beneficial the practice will be. If you struggle to feel gratitude in your body, write down your statements and read them again. While you may not feel them, you will integrate them more deeply.
As this becomes easier, increase your gratitude count. You will be surprised by how quickly you can find things to be grateful for after some practice!
3. Positive affirmations
This is one of the most powerful practices I put in place to help me and my coachees deal with stress and find more peace. Rest assured, it is not about mindlessly repeating positive phrases such as “I am the best in the world at X”.
Instead the practice consists of spending a few minutes at the end of each day to write down at least 3 victories, big or small. It could be: “I gave a genuine and detailed appreciation to Juliette for her great presentation”, “I spent 3 minutes deeply listening to my son telling me about his day.”
Then, for each victory, write down what it tells about you, in a positive way. This is your affirmation. It should start with “I am…” and continue with something that you demonstrated with this victory.
For example: “I gave a genuine and detailed appreciation to Juliette for her great presentation” gives you the following positive affirmation: “I am good at developing others and giving them the confidence to stretch themselves.” You may not entirely believe the affirmation, yet stretch your beliefs to a certain point.
Once you have your 3 positive affirmations of the day, read them aloud. At the end of the week, read all your affirmations from the week. Your brain will start to believe what you write, which will make you feel good and behave in accordance with your affirmations.
Tip: keep a record of your big victories with their respective positive affirmations. In moments of doubt, read them, this will give you a big boost.
4. Switch off
The brain needs rest to get into lower alert mode, and to function throughout the day. It gets rest when we sleep, but quickly loses rest due to daily activities and stimuli like screen usage.
We are in front of screens at work, at home, with friends, and even when we’re trying to relax. Using a screen to relax may numb our brain, but it’s not real rest. It’s full of stimuli.
Give your brain a rest during the day by switching off your phone, or by putting it away.
This will be tough at first, and you may even experience withdrawal—our brains can get addicted to this kind of stimuli! But it will get easier.
In fact, boredom and relaxation is not only good for stress relief, it is also a necessary state for you to be creative. Aaron Sorkin, the creator of West Wing and the Social Network, went so far as to install a shower in his office to disconnect and facilitate the emergence of creative ideas.
Start small: when you go to the toilet, leave your phone. Then have at least one meal a day without your phone, simply appreciating the food and eventual company. Then you may even switch off your phone from a certain time in the evening.
5. Get in flow
Flow is this beautiful state where we become one with the task at hand. It allows us to lose ourselves in the process, achieving an ego-less, timeless state.
Being in a flow state not only feeds you, but it also breaks up the negative thought vortex of the monkey mind.
List 5 or activities or tasks that you love doing (or used to love doing). This could include drawing, playing tennis, playing the piano, reading an excellent book, doing a puzzle, playing a game with others, etc.
Choose one that you can easily do on a regular basis, and do it.
Put everything into practice
Not all of these will work for everyone. Give each a try, one at a time. Once you find a practice that works for you, then immediately build up a habit around it.
What about you: do you know of other practises that work for you? If so, please share with me so I can share them to others in a new article!